Monday, June 20, 2011

The Thing About Scalps

We all have weird things that gross us out, right?  We used to talk about this at work all the time:

I can handle blood, but I don't do toenail clippings.
Brain matter is okay but vomit?  GROSS.
Poop?  No biggie.  Seeing people all foamy at the mouth while they brush their teeth?  DISGUSTING.


My particular vomity aversion is scalps.
I don't like looking at them, I don't like thinking about them, and I REAAAAAAALLY hate smelling them.  I know.  I'm weird.  But imagine how many times I've had to stare at and simultaneously try to avoid smell peoples' sickly unwashed scalp at face level when they are on the ambulance stretcher and I'm the fairly short paramedic pushing it?  Down long, long hospital hallways and in stuffy little hospital elevators.....
Ugh.

So, tonight I decided to tackle Amarys' cradle cap and it was probably the grossest thing I have ever done to one of my kids.  I've cleaned mountains of poop [including once when Matthew took his poopy diaper off and spread it over 700 square feet of laminate floor in our downstairs....kitchen, hallway, livingroom....I don't remember what I was doing that allowed him the time and freedom to spread it so far, but I DO remember how it was dried up stuck to the floor in some spots, and all smooshy and wet in others?!!!].  I've cleaned up SO MUCH vomit.  Pee.  Blood.  Flapping skin owies, slivers, teeth through lips, Matthew's tongue nearly bitten all the way off [I posted that story sometime this past year but I'm not sifting through a bajillion posts for that one, sorry--it was a gooder, though], diaper rash so bad it bleeds, pus filled eyes, vomit and diarrhea at the same time in multiple kids....
YOU NAME IT, I'VE CLEANED IT UP.

But this was grosser.

I soaked her head in olive oil and a few drops of lavender essential oil by rubbing it on her head and letting it sit for half an hour.  Then I took a soft toothbrush to it, and scraped off the HUGE CHUNKS OF SCALP that kept breeding MORE HUGE CHUNKS OF SCALP and it was getting stuck in her hair, and huge piles of baby fine hair were stuck in the toothbrush and
OH MY GOSH IT WAS BLOODY DISGUSTING!!!!!
I am shuddering while I write this, and I feel all nauseous and I think I'll just leave her cradle cap alone from now on, because no one ever died of CRADLE CAP, but I think I JUST MIGHT DIE if I have to go through that again.
It was like scrubbing a bald old man's scalp with a tooth brush and getting bits of hair and sluffing entire chunks of skin off with the toothbrush and suddenly you realize HIS HEAD IS ROTTEN AND MAYBE HE'S DEAD AND OMG ITS SO GROSS YOU MIGHT DIE.

It was JUST LIKE THAT.

6 comments:

ms emili louann said...

Holy crap, you make me laugh OUT LOUD, woman! Tears in my eyes right now... and I know how you feel! Elijah still has bits of cradle cap on his head. SHUDDER.

Rotten heads... OMG. Ha.

Tonya said...

HA HA HA HA HA - YOU are hilarious.

Jen said...

HAAAHHAA!! I was laughing my head off at this!!!
A few years ago I was babysitting my aunts kid and decided to clear her little girls head of that super thick cradle cap that went all the way to her eyebrows! I LOVED every minute of it:)

Rachel Clear @ Clearly Speaking said...

I loved getting Bennett's cradle scalp off too. I love picking at things though, especially dry skin. Although your description of gross unwashed scalps made me gag. Sick.

But... Bennett's never bled. I don't think they should bleed, should they?

melissa said...

I didn't mean bloody literally!! She didn't BLEED!!! It was just kind of flakey like bad dandruff. Ewwwww....

melissa said...

I like to pick, too. I'm a certified picker. BUT NOT SCALPS (though I picked hers all day and gagged about it)....