One Year Old!!

Amarys is one!  Happy birthday beautiful girl!!  We are so happy to celebrate our sweetheart!


I made a mistake I didn't discover til later: she was born at 01:54


Amarys is pretty amazing.  She's wonderful and smart and strong willed and firey.  She's spicy.  I love it.

This month she leaped forward in many ways.  She left crawling behind and walks full time now, including standing, squatting, plunking down and getting up again, and turning mid step.  She loves to be carried and is constantly asking to come "up," with this princess version of the sign language for 'up:'

Generally with as sad a face as possible.  It totally works. 

Generally accompanied by an urgent "Uh, uh, uh," grunt.  Alternately sweet and annoying.

She has expanded her baby sign vocabulary: she has used the "milk" sign since November and has recently added "all done" after meals, "up" as mentioned, and "bye bye," and her first word aside from mamamama and dadadadada was "hot!" in reference to a cup of coffee.  Which she was verrrry tempted to touch anyways.  It is quite funny to watch the physically obvious push-pull between desire and very basic impulse control when it comes to a hot cup of coffee and a one year old. 

She likes kisses and will offer open mouthed smooches out of the blue numerous times a day, and she gets kissed so frequently that often when we lift her up, she smacks her lips because she knows a kiss is coming.  When you are one and being lifted "up," a kiss is a foregone conclusion.

She is not our most flexible child, so changes in routine, visitors, playdates, and trips take her awhile to adjust to.  She asserts her opinions strongly and I do believe her first temper tantrum was in utero.  She used to kick me fiercely if anything was resting on my belly, or if I kneeled down and smushed her a bit.  We like that she is ferocious and opinionated, but I must say that I'm very grateful she's #4.  We have been well mollified by years of parenting various personalities.  =)

It takes her awhile to wind down at night, even with a predictable routine and regular nap and bedtimes, and I think this is the hardest parenting task for me at the moment.  It regularly takes me approximately 45 minutes of nursing and singing and back patting and putting up with being stomped on, scratched, bit, and head butted before she will very abruptly fall asleep.  She still sleeps well the majority of the time, waking once to nurse and sleeping long and hard.  A minority of the time, however, she will wake at night and decide playtime is fantastic and proceed to beat us up, screech, laugh, and head butt for an hour or two.  It doesn't happen frequently enough to render us non functional, but when it does happen it is pretty debilitating.  She's keeping us on our toes.

She taught herself how to descend stairs in the past few weeks.  I didn't realize this until one day when I was standing at the front door talking to a friend, and Amarys simply appeared at my side when I thought she was at the top of the stairs on the other side of the (as it happened, unlocked) safety gate.  Well, hello, little girl!  Where did you come from?  She sits on the top step, slides down one step, stands, walks carefully forward, sits down, slides down another step, and repeats until she gets to the bottom.  Creative.  And cute.



G C photography


She loves food.  She will eat anything except lettuce.  And she is not very keen on rice.  I love that she is an easy eater and credit baby led weaning for her tolerant palate.  We now don't limit her diet at all, and she eats cheese and nuts as well as all the other foods we love and tolerates them well. 

She has had a productive cough since November.  I'm hoping she doesn't develop asthma (right after saying we don't limit her diet at all; I hope those two happenstances are not related!) and I am REALLY looking forward to spring, with increased sunshine, vitamin D, and time outdoors to help clear up her lungs and help her get completely over her cough.  She was on inhaled medications for two months but although they help her symptoms, the infection itself never completely cleared and I don't want her on steroids and ventolin indefinitely so we just quit using them after two months.  But man I hate the lingering, rattly cough.  And it sounds like I'm bringing an infectious pneumonia victim around with me wherever we go, which is embarrassing, but we can't stay home ALL winter!  

Anyways, she weathered her birthday celebrations like a champion and was particularly possessive of her toys.  She got a soccer ball, tea party set, books, several outfits, and 'girl' lego (duplo lego with pink pieces, baisically).  She didn't care about the clothes but she was particularly possessive of the toys.  Her favourite is the soccer ball, as she is a big fan of balls in general and until now owned no ball of her very own.  She's such a peanut and is so vibrantly full of personality that it is a joy to have her around.  It is so hard to remember what it was like before she was in the world.  



Also by G C Photography

 She has five teeth.  She has discovered that she can remove her diaper.  Her hair is finally long enough for a ponytail.  She climbs.  She loves water but gets bored in the bathtub.  Her laugh is infectious and best and loudest in mischievous circumstances.  She says "Nonononono!" if she doesn't want you to do something, and bites if frustrated.  She will tap you if she wants your attention.  She doesn't like strangers.  She will not perform on demand.  She's ticklish.  Especially above her knees.  She likes to kick things and people, and prefers to have her feet on the table while eating.  She LOVES shoes.  LOVES them.  She will hold up her little foot and hand you her shoe to put on at every opportunity and she stomps around proudly once they are on.  The Robeeze weren't doing the trick anymore because it is so wet this time of year and she so badly wants to WALK ON HER OWN rather than be carried.  Of course she loves buttons too, and will commandeer phones, remotes, and computer keyboards at every opportunity.

Brent made a slideshow of her first year, as a surprise for me.  It is so beautiful!  ♥ I will try and post it separately, as it is taking forever to upload and I would like to publish this post today!

This Time Last Year

So last year at this time, I was doing this:

 

 

Guest Post on Cesarean Birth

I wrote a guest post on Hobo Mama today on Learning to Celebrate a Cesarean Birth... Go read! =)

Intestinal Dissection

Welcome to the "I'm a Natural Parent - BUT..." Carnival
This post was written for inclusion in the carnival hosted by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. During this carnival our participants have focused on the many different forms and shapes Natural Parenting can take in our community.
***

I'm a Natural Parent BUT...

I like time outs.

My kids watch television.

I had a cesarean.

In fact I don't think "natural parent" is a very good descriptor for me at all.  How about: Tired Parent?  How about Managing To Get By Parent?  Or Lets Baby Eat Onion Skins Off Floor Because It's Just Easier Parent?  I think I'm more of an instinctual parent.  I like to follow my gut, although I like to think about the root cause of my gut instinct when it comes to my kids so I guess I'm a well examined gut parent, who has a passion for all things earthy.  Well maybe not all things.

I'm a natural minded gut parent BUT...

I think formula feeding parents are awesome.

I like soap.

My baby wears W*al Mart brand diapers at night.

I'm fairly pragmatic, in life, and don't put much stock in idealism.  We're not out to change the world, here, we're just raisin' babies, which has been done well and ill for thousands of years.  I'd like to do it well but I'm not sure I can do it perfectly.  Humans are adaptable creatures who flourish in environments from the North Pole to the rocky provinces of Afghanistan so I'm pretty sure kids are flourishing in homes that compost and homes that don't.  Families that give birth in water and those that give birth in operating rooms.  I LOVE my kids and want the best for them, but sometimes a less than perfect experience is all I can offer.  I believe this is good for them!  They learn empathy.  They learn that it's okay to make mistakes.  That people can strive to do better, and how to apologize.  They also learn how to adapt in an imperfect world.  They learn how to grapple with their own inevitable failures and weaknesses and odd bits of temperament that rub people the wrong way and remind themselves of me.  The whole OMG I've become my mother syndrome.

I'm a pragmatic ecoholic dissected guts parent BUT...



We take the kids to M*cDonald's sometimes.

I don't eat placenta.

We drive a van.

I'm addicted to my babies and I love them even more than tootsie roll lollipops and I believe each one of them is here to make the world a better place. 

I feed them with love.

I wash them often.

I playfight.

It is beautiful.

I'm enough.

***

This carnival was created by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. We recognize that "natural parenting" means different things to different families, and we are dedicated to providing a safe place for all families, regardless of where they are in their parenting journeys.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• My kid is a technophile — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction hasn't turned in her natural parenting card yet, even though her son prefers electronic toys
• I'm a Natural Parent, but...I use medicine! — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that while she hesitates to do so, sometimes she does give her son some medicine when his symptoms get really bad.
• I'm Only Half Planning a Natural Birth — Shannon at The Artful Mama discloses how she is planning her semi-natural hospital birth and still dares to call herself a Natural Parent.
• Why we aren't rear facing — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about her decision to turn her one-year-old daughter's carseat around, and how the argument always given for extended rear facing makes her feel.
• Musings of an Almost Crunchy Momma — Valerie at Momma in Progress re-examines her list of natural parenting litmus tests.
• Natural Parenting Does Not Equal Perfect Parenting — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama admits to several not-so-natural parenting and lifestyle practices.
• 10 Reasons to Revoke My Natural Parent Card — Laura at WaldenMommy: Life Behind the Red Front Door discusses why some of her less-than-crunchy practices are better for her family.
• I'm a Natural Parent - BUT... MacNCheese is Awesome. — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy reveals her penchant for some far from healthy eating, cheap food recipes.
• Crunchy on the Inside — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles muses about how the stereotype of a natural parent does not do justice to the very dynamic group that this parenting philosophy attracts.
• My Reality — Megan from The Other Baby Book confesses a few things about her parenting.
• I'm Crunchy But... — Christy at Mommy Outnumbered shares confessions on all of her "non" crunchy ways.
• I'm A Natural Parent, But...it took me awhile — It took Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling awhile before fully understanding and appreciating Natural Parenting.
• I Am Not a Perfect Natural Parent — Momma Jorje shares her dirty little secrets as a mostly natural parent.
• Crunchy, But Not Crunchier Than Thou — Instead of comparing yourself to others, Dionna at Code Name: Mama encourages you to give yourself permission to be as crunchy as you can for right now.
• I’m a natural parent but…I love bedtimes — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle would never let her children cry-it-out, but she has a selection of other methods to encourage early bedtimes.
• I'm a Natural Parent - BUT... — Lani at Boobie Time Blog believes that following the principles of Natural Parenting doesn't mean you fit a stereotypical mold of societal view.
• Confessions of a Low Supply Mom — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children confesses her insecurities about being a low supply mom.
• I'm a natural parent, but. . . — Not eating her placenta is just one of the ways Ashley at Mama Raw falls short at being a natural parent.
• I'm a Natural Parent But...I have a Few Confessions — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment strives to be a Natural Mama, but wait, she has a few confessions!
• I'm a Natural Parent BUT — Carrie at LoveNotesMama confesses her gratitude for disposable diapers.
• Intestinal Dissection — Melissa from White Noise talks about how imperfection can be beautiful when it is buffered with love.
• How much sugar is too much? — Tat at Mum in Search shares how her no-sugar policy evolved into a balancing act, with the balance point not where she'd like to see it.
• I'm a Natural Parent, but. . . — Amyables at Toddler In Tow talks about three of her parenting habits that are not super "natural."
• Minus Ten Crunchy Points — Joella at Fine and Fair discusses how some of her parenting choices seen as "too crunchy" by those she knows in real life could get her kicked out of the crunchy mom clubs online.
• The Natural Parent "Model" — Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World talks about her love for not-so-natural cosmetics and beauty products.
• Nice to meet you. — Eileen at Love & Greens talks about how being a natural mama means something different to her every day.
• I’m a natural parent…BUT… — Ashley at Daisy Pedals touches on several natural parenting topics; from cloth diapers to cleaning with natural cleaners.
• I'm a natural parent, but you'd be surprised — Lauren at Hobo Mama confesses to liking diet soda and TV and having lost all her reusable shopping bags.
• I’m a Natural Parent, but…. I don’t shop local — Luschka at Diary of a First Child confesses one of her greatest 'natural' failures - she doesn't shop local and support her community, despite wishing she could.
• Who You Callin' Natural? (a Carnival of Natural Parenting Contribution) — A bit of premise exposition, some tongue-in-cheek filler, and a photographic list of all the ways Embrita Blogging cheats at being natural.
• Dirty Secrets of a Green & Natural Mama (and Why I'm Not Afraid to Share Them!) — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares her definition of what it means to be a perfect mama as well as a few of her dirty little secrets.
• Green Mommy Guilt — Jen at Jen and Joey Green talks about how being a perfect Green Mom is overrated.
• Life Coping Devices — Amy at Anktangle discusses two ("non-AP") coping strategies her family has used for getting through difficult times with her son: the pacifier and the stroller.
• We use disposable diapers. There. I said it. — The mama at Our Muddy Boots shares a bed, nurses her 4 year old, is vegetarian, and is committed to homeschooling; but Pampers adorn her child's bottom. Ugh!
• Committed to Cloth, but... — Sheila at A Living Family affirms her love of cloth diapering, despite the draw of disposables.
• Natural Parenting as a Doorway to Deep Truths — Amy from Peace for Parents guest posts at Natural Parents Network and shares how for her "natural parenting" is much less about a definition and much more an avenue to explore truths of life.
• Chicken No-nos — Jessica at Pace Family Place strives to live naturally but feeds her oldest son some not-so natural things

Random, yet Providential

I feel like I haven't written a real meaty post in forever.  I'm sorry.  I used to be funny, with posts about weird work stories and whacky neighbours and kid poonamis.  Now I feel like I just post too-happy monthly updates on my daughter, and odd scraps.  I'm trying to get back to my old style again but often I just feel like (a) my life is boring.  It's the same stuff day in and day out.  How funny can it be, really?  and (b) I'm tired.

Today bit me in the ass, though, so I thought I would share.  Even if it's brief, you might enjoy it in the same way we all want to hit "Like" when someone posts "I had a shitty day" on Facebook; we didn't "like" that you had a shitty day but we are glad you shared and want to pat you on the back so you know you're not alone!

It's funny because tons of stuff that were difficult three years ago I no longer find hard.  My mountain of laundry has been tamed.  Oh my gosh, it has finally (finally) been tamed.  It is never all done, but I've found a system that works.  It involves three loads per day and a focus on pre sorting, and folding/putting away.  So I can't bore you with my laundry woes anymore because they aren't woes anymore.

Oh no wait!  I can!  I have a kid who likes to hold his poop until it turtles out and pinches off in small bits, and then put underwear with pinched off log bits folded in it in the laundry, and then I wash it with everything else.  Ohhhhh, nothing yummier than a load of laundry that smells like shit after you wash it.
Or how about the mini sock in the front loading washer drain?  Oh my fuck is that ever a pain in the ass.  Do you know how many mini socks our family produces?  The sneaky buggers hide on me and despite my trying to stick them all in a lingerie bag to get washed, one always stays hidden and slides into the front loading washer drain and prevents all that pinched off log bit poo from going down the drain.  Or anything.  Or even rinsing.  That's so my favourite.
Even without the pinched off poo, the laundry can't clean and rinse properly with mini socks covering the effing drain.  Like what the hell.  Mini socks are my nemesis and may be utterly outlawed if this continues!!  I don't care if your feet are cold.  Rules are  rules, dammit!

Oh no wait!!  I have another laundry woe!  I have another kid with an immature/irritable bladder!  Who pees his pants multiple times a day!  So when I finish loading laundry into the front loader washer we paid too much damn money for because of the mini sock issue, my hands and arms smell like a cat box.  Oh the joyous rewards of being a mother.  Staying at home is so blissful and amazing (NOT). 

I also manage my crazy a bit better now.  It is funny to look back on my posts from 2008/09 and see how many of them had the title "Scary."  I actually started numbering them at one point.  How scary can one regular old life be?  Jeepers.  Granted it was scary that time I lost Ayden at White Rock beach.  We still talk about that one and Ayden is all I couldn't figure out why you forgot me and I'm all I want to cry just thinking about it.  Yuck.  Who doesn't lose a kid once or twice while raising them?  But seriously that one was awful.

These days I'm generally good.  HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA.... No I'm not.  But I'm medicated (with supplements) and cognitive therapied and surrounded by good peeps (Hi Brent, Hi Rowenna, Hi other good peeps) who put in hours of listening and talking me down.  Hence, mild crazy.  With occasional breakthroughs of mighty wild crazy to keep things interesting.

Like today when I realized it was 4:20 and we had forgotten for the second day in a row to go to the Notary for a signature on Amarys' name change form.  I yelled.  I may have panicked.  Brent may have talked me down.  (Shhh, don't tell anyone but I might have an anxiety disorder...)

Well, this morning started out fine and fair.  I got my hair cut yesterday so I had the fun task of trying to tame a new haircut the day after.  Our sweet '97 Toyota was totalled in the parking lot next to Brent's work office last month, and ICBC gave us $2000 to replace it rather than fork out the money to repair it at nearly the same price tag.  We shopped around and found a newer Toyota of the same model with fewer kilometers on it for cheaper (the engine is awesome but the interior smells like mold) so we totally scored.  We bought it in Vancouver though, which meant a long day with four kids in the cold van whose heater is still dead, following leads on cars from Craigslist.  When we got it home and went to transfer the insurance, our autoplan place said they couldn't because there was a signature missing on the seller's paperwork.  Goodbye, go solve your own problem, and you only have ten days to do it.

So yesterday we piled all four kids in the cold van (again) and drove to Vancouver for one signature.  [I'm married to a cop, that is why we have to drive forty kilometers for a signature that could easily be forged].  This morning I take the paperwork over to the autoplan place (again) and after standing there for fifteen minutes answering stupid questions and fending off offers of more expensive coverage (the car is only worth two grand dude), the insurance broker looks up at me cheerfully and says, "That will be $255, how would you like to pay?"  And I'm all what the whobie whatty?  I don't have $255.  Well, I do, but it is for gas, food, and a Visa bill.  You want the food out of my babies' mouths?  The gas that was going to drive us around for two weeks?  Why don't you just rob my bank and be done with it?  Fuck I hate insurance.

So I pay the $255, gather up my youngest kids, and drive to White Rock to visit a friend.  Brent had an appointment at 10:45 and he phoned me at 10:15 frantic for his keys.  I was already in White Rock at this point, and lo and behold here are the car keys in the console of the van.  He had to cancel his specialist appointment because even if I turned around and drove back and skipped out on my friend date, he wouldn't make it in time.
Meanwhile, Amarys is screaming huge screams in her carseat and huge slug trails of snot are dribbling down to her chin, and Riley is frantic because he has to pee RIGHTTHISMINUTE!  And Brent is making helpful suggestions about where I might look in the van for keys HE LEFT THERE.  And I have to phone and cancel my chiropractor appointment an hour before my appointment because I have no money to pay for the damn appointment because the auto insurance place wanted $255 just to transfer my insurance from one car to another (identical) car.  FOOK ME!  That's the call of shame: I'm sorry I can't come to my appointment in an hour because I just figured out I can't afford it.  SORRY!

I walked into my friend's house, she asked me how I was doing, and I just started to cry.

I told her the story and she said,
Damn, it isn't even ten thirty yet, Melissa!
I know.

A second friend of mine was there, too, and she said,
I'm going to Costco today.  What do you need?

Oh my gosh, no.  No no no no no.  Nobody can afford to feed our six person family, no no no no no.  But Melissa insisted.  What do you need?
Chicken.  Just some chicken.
Okay.  I will bring chicken this afternoon.

Oh, thank you thank you thank you.

My friend Katie, whose house it was, leapt up and said,
I still owe you $150 for the doula care you gave me when I had my daughter.  Here, I'll write you a cheque right now and if you don't cash it I will be REALLY MAD!

NO!  No no no no no, I didn't tell you this so you would give me stuff, guys!  And you can't afford that, Katie, you can't, no, don't give it to me, I can't.

Yes you can.  We have it.  It's yours anyways, thanks for being my doula.

Hello Jesus.  Thank you for friends.

Melissa came by later with chicken.  And pizza, shepherd's pie, frozen vegetables, cheese, milk, eggs, TWO huge packs of chicken, fruit cups for the kids' lunches, and holy shit this is friendship.  I cried after she left.  Otherwise how would we make it two weeks with no food?

What a day.

Lent

So after my "poo on you" comment, which was a joke, Rachel noted that sometimes she misses posts in my new blog format.  I changed it so that six posts show at a time, which is hopefully better?  Let me know if you still don't find this format easy to read/comment/stay up to date with... I like having a big space for posts but still want somewhere for links, buttons, etc at the bottom.  Scrolling down forever for these is not optimal, but neither is not being able to read/stay up to date/comment!  I'm always open to feedback =)

On to today's post...

I often don't write much about my religious or spiritual life on here, mainly because it's a really personal topic that I don't generally want to open up for criticism from anyone (not that you guys are critical!  But someone might be, since the topic can be so intense), and also because I don't want to offend anyone.  Many of you have different belief systems, or different religious beliefs from me and it would really be hard on me if someone felt offended by my expressions of faith or spiritual journey.  It is so fundamentally important to me to build bridges and live peacefully that sometimes I avoid expressing myself.  Recently it occurred to me that if my kids were reading my blog after I died or something, they might not realize how religious I am, or how important my spiritual journey is to me, and if that were true, they wouldn't really know me.  That would be far more tragic to me than the potential for theological dissonance between me and this small community of readers (you guys, you wonderful people who care to read what I write).  So hopefully you can forgive me if more religion sneaks its way onto the blog in the next while.  Perhaps to stay.  I would hate for self censorship to result in not being fully known.

For several years I have felt very much that I want to deepen my spiritual connection with God.  I believe we are all interconnected with God already and that you can't journey 'away' from the divine any more than you can travel away from oxygen, but I do think you can be more or less mindful of Him.  The more finely tuned my relationship with Him is, the more support I can draw from Him, the more strength, and the more fully I can work to relinquish desire and live in peace with Fate/God's plan/Providence/the Universe/Life.  The more peace I have, the more energy and love I have to give to my family and beyond, so I feel that it is incredibly important to deepen my interconnectedness with God.  I can live more fully, and peacefully, and have more to give others.  In the end, I think God has this complex, flexible, ever changing, GOOD plan for the earth, and humanity, and that we further complicate and change it with our decisions and choices in life.  At any rate, I want to more finely tune my spiritual connectedness with God.

I've coasted spiritually for several years, mainly because of time.  Partially also because I think true relationship happens in the eating and sleeping and housework and problems of life rather than in a quiet 'devotional' full of halos and peaceful prayer.  I like to pray.  A lot.  But I don't have time to pray in chunks, you know?  So I just basically pray scraps here and there and although I think this is fine, I believe the scraps should be more of an ongoing conversation than they are currently.
In the Christian calendar there are built in opportunities for focusing on interconnectedness.  One of these extra-Biblical (not commanded in the Bible but exists as a long standing church tradition) opportunities is Lent, the 40 days leading up to Easter.  Parallel to Advent, it is a season of anticipation.  Lent traditionally involves fasting, and this year I decided to participate.  Orthodox church tradition (I went to an Orthodox church while living in Russia as an exchange student, and then for four years while I went to University) has a long list of foods to fast from during Lent but as my Orthodox Father liked to say, the foods church founders fasted from don't always translate directly into our modern context.  Like, for example, mollusks and crustaceans are a fasting food in Orthodoxy, and Father William said this was to avoid spending a long time preparing food: fasting was supposed to be a rest from the regular work of catching and preparing food in order to focus on God and prayer.  It isn't really a lot of work to prepare canned clams as opposed to canned beans in modern Canada, for example, so this fasting food doesn't totally translate.  Orthodox followers fast it anyways out of respect for tradition.
Protestants are wishy washy about tradition.  The more ancient a church tradition, the more dispensable it is, it seems.  We don't particularly like conscripted worship, liturgical prayer, or group fasting.  Lent is optional.  Sometimes it involves exercise, Facebook, or chocolate.  There is good reason for this lukewarm attitude towards tradition: an emphasis on authenticity and individual connectedness with God are important Protestant values (although I'm rather biased towards liturgical or group exercises like prayers and fasting, as a prior Orthodox).  But I don't think fasting only chocolate really quite matches traditional Lent fasting. Like I need chocolate as much as I need God.  Not that the point is how holy can I be, or how much can I deprive myself in comparison to others, to which God says 
HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA.  You silly children.
Because we do look a little childlike, haggling over fasting choices while people go hungry and are lonely and consume large amounts of commodities we don't need and unequally distribute our resources...

ANYWAYS I'm getting off topic here.
For Lent I chose to participate this year, and I chose to give up meat.  I chose meat because it is a large enough item in my diet that I will notice it, miss it, and have to go out of my way to accommodate living without it.  I still prepare food for my family like normal, but make myself a vegetarian option or eat everything but the meat.  Sometimes I forget.  Monday I had a turkey sandwich and afterwards I slapped my hand over my mouth, remembering too late.  But I'm trying.  Each time I think about the fact that I am fasting from meat, I remember God.  I try to pray.  I try to keep up a conversation that is deeper than simple scraps of Help me or Thank you.  Which are the two truest prayers on earth, closely followed by Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy (a scrap of liturgy that shoots through Orthodox worship like gold thread).  I guess I just want to be more mindful of God, and to have better conversations with Him which largely involve deeper expressions of these three prayers.  I hope to more closely align my stubbornness with His gentleness, and come out more peaceful and pliable on the other end.

Lent, and small steps on a long journey.  Thanks for listening to me ramble about it.  ♥